Living Life

Jesus, Me, and the Kitchen Table

Why Does Everything Have to Be So Hard?

on December 18, 2013

So here we are. Richard hurt his back a week ago.  And since he is my primary caregiver, this is a huge deal.  Being paraplegic, I have to be turned at least twice during the night not to mention help with dressing, and minimal help transferring in and out of my wheelchair.   God has been awesome to provide people to step in to help.  One of our neighbors walked across the street at 1 a.m. and again at 5 a.m. for several nights to turn me.  My friends have come in the mornings to help me dress.  Fortunately, Richard’s back is getting better (slowly).  He is now able to turn me at night.  Thank you Lord.  But I’m still needing help with dressing and transferring.  But now, my friend’s children have the viral stomach flu that is going around.  Not only that but Richard’s tummy hasn’t felt too good today either.  Putting all that aside…

Even little things are so hard to do.  LIke plugging in the Christmas tree, like buckling my seatbelt in the van, opening and closing doors, just sitting up! I always need to have one hand anchored on something so I don’t fall over forward.  I am thankful to move my arms and hands and to have that control. It could be much worse!!  Nonetheless, paralysis has made routine tasks either impossible or much more difficult than they should be.  

Without going into detail, I have to do a bowel program every other night.  This really interferes with my life because I have to be home every other night.  Because of the equipment I use that is too big to go in my van, I have to literally be home to do the bowel program.   That means no going to evening events (even if I could drive at night, now) if they fall on one of “those” nights.  It means I can’t go to conferences that are out of town. They are all too far away (Austin, San Antonio, etc). for me to get there, participate, and get home in time.  This freaks me out because that is part of my job as a consultant is to go to these kinds of training events and bring back information.  Tonight I could have gone to the Homeschool Mom’s Christmas party, but it’s one of “those” nights. Not to mention I’m pretty sure my wheelchair would never be ale to get into the house where it’s held each year.  

The family has decided it’s easier for them to come here for Christmas this year instead of us doing in Nacogdoches where we’ve always done it forever. I want to go “home” and see everyone.  Not all of them will come to Mt. Pleasant.  If I had the strength to drive there, it would be no big deal. But I don’t. 

I’ve honestly cried way more than I ever thought possible for one person.  I know our girls are with jesus in heaven and they are eternally blessed and everyday is one day closer to seeing them.  But Christmas, life, is just not the same without them.  It is bad enough to cope with all those emotions but then to have to constantly deal with this paralysis is sometimes more than I can bare, or at least think I can bare. 

The cry of my heart tonight is, “Why does it have to be so hard all the time?” I may very well never know the answer to that question.  Whether I ever do find out or not, I try to encourage myself with these verses….

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” – Isaiah 41:10

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” – John 14:27

“I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” – Psalm 16:8

AND FINALLY…

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

Lord,

You know all that goes through my mind.  You know all my worries, fears, hopes, and dreams.  You see all I go through on a daily basis.  You see how I sometimes question You, but never Your sovereignty. You know I don’t understand why all this has happened, but I won’t go there because I know that takes my mind down the wrong path.  Even though things are hard, i know there are people who have it much worse than we do.  More than that I know that You are ALWAYS here.  I know that You are for me, and so no one can stand against me.  You know that I believe in Your ability to heal me and that I know it is your will to heal.  Yet you know that I’m human and doubt. Lord, I believe, but please help my unbelief! I’m going to lean on your Word.  We will get through this! We will! 

Thanks for reading my rants… Some of my friends say I need to be more transparent, so here it is, LOL!  Hope these verses will encourage you in the areas of your life where you are asking, “why does it have to be so hard.”   God bless you all!

 

 

 

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3 responses to “Why Does Everything Have to Be So Hard?

  1. misty floyd says:

    i am so sorry for all that you are going through dawn. i know some of the pain you are experiencing but not everything you are dealing with. it was hard enough for me to lose trent so i know how much more compounded your grief must be losing two children not to mention your physical struggles. you are an example of true faith in the lord despite what you may think. being transparent about your feelings just shows you are human. continuing to trust in the lord and speaking highly of his faithfulness proves your genuine relationship with him. he is so proud of you! and i believe he wants to heal you too. i think about you every day and am praying these last two “firsts” you are about to go through will be as easy emotionally as possible. i am always just a phone call away. love you dearly my friend!

    Like

  2. KC Dignan says:

    The amazing English language.. so rich and varied, has hundreds of terms for many less important things… like money, moola, cash… but so few words for important things like love, sorrow and grief. I wish I had more words to give you.

    Like

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